Response to:
"You have to have sex to make sure you are compatible."
There are a couple of ways to take this challenge. Usually guys are more concerned than girls about how much they will enjoy sex physically. Girls are usually more concerned about whether sex will be satisfying emotionally as a sign of their guy's acceptance, approval and commitment. So if you're having sex outside of a marriage commitment you are auditioning each other for a role in your fantasy. The trouble is your fantasies are incompatible with each other and with reality. If you're a girl who is having sex with a guy then you are simply auditioning for a role in his fantasy. He has or plans to audition many others and is comparing you to them. How should that make you feel? What if he decides he doesn't like having sex with you? He may not even politely escort you out before he says, "Next!" Do you really think a marriage with that kind of person could last? You are just letting yourself be used and abused. You're setting yourself up for more hurt and frustration.
If you're a guy and a girl is throwing herself at you you have to wonder why. Yeah, it makes you feel like a real stud, but what is she trying to do? Remember girls are wired differently. She's not thinking what you're thinking, which is, "Sex without commitment or responsibility is so pleasurable." Some girls might think this way, too, but they are unusual. More likely, she wants you to become committed to her. If you have social standing and she is insecure--thinking that if people really knew her for who she is they wouldn't accept her--she is using you to elevate her social standing. She doesn't really care about you. She just cares about how she looks important when she is with you. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? So much for having sex to find out if you two are compatible as life partners!
On the other hand many sincere couples are afraid they will end up divorced like their parents, so they try a pretend marriage for a while to see if they think they can make it work. They start living together. Unfortunately, our approach to relationships is influenced by our shopping culture of return it within 60 days and get your money back. We have to ask, "Are we any better off?"
Glenn T. Stanton in Why Marriage Matters writes:
Couples who live together before they marry have divorce rates 50 to 100 percent higher than couples who don't. In a Canadian study of couples married less than 10 years, the divorce rate was 31 percent for those who lived together first, but only 14 percent for those who didn't. Studies also show that couples who lived together before marriage quarrel more, communicate less, separate more often, seek more counseling, and are more likely to have extramarital affairs. They have more problems with drugs and alcohol, and regard marriage as a less important part of their lives.
Any couple who believes they can beat these odds are fooling themselves. They aren't committed to each other. They're just naive gamblers trying to strike it rich without any effort. No matter how compatible a guy and a girl think they are they will find out very quickly they are not compatible sexually and in other areas of the relationship and life, as well. They will each have their sexual likes and dislikes and will be disappointed the other person doesn't like to do this or that in bed. In addition, they each have their selfishness and weaknesses that make them difficult to live with. The couple who lives together won't really discover this until they get married, if they make it that far, because they haven't fully invested themselves in the relationship.
If you were on a battlefield and the soldier next to you is just a mercenary not fully committed to you and your country, would you put your life in his hands? Maybe he's thinking, "I'm not getting paid enough to risk my life like this. I'll send this guy out in front of me first." The person you are living with is a mercenary lover only committed to him/herself. Since they are not totally committed they will drop you and run if they think there is too much risk. Even if you get married, if your partner isn't totally sold out to making the marriage work, they will want a divorce when the stakes get too high.
Conclusion
Here's the bottom line: A couple who is totally committed to each other in marriage will do whatever it takes and that's when they become compatible. Yes they will have different expectations, desires and interests, but the mutual total commitment will get them to the other side of each conflict. Trust me I've been married to the same wonderful woman since 1981. Its not always easy but it works and the victory of our team effort is one of life' greatest achievements.
References
Budziszewski, J. How to Stay Christian in College. Colorado Springs: NavPress. 1999. p. 84.
Copyright 2005. Gary C. Burger and New Media Ministries. This article may be reproduced and distributed freely as long as it is done so in its entirety. If quoted it must be properly cited as a reference.
